This is so interesting… I told myself, I should write because writing is good for me, makes me think, helps me improve my English, allows me to kill time while waiting for my hair to dry… And I like using the daily prompt so that I at least have some direction to my jabbering. But when I saw today’s prompt… haha. Crossing is actually the name of the young adults community in my parish, and I’ve been talking about it with various friends of late. Coincidence? 🙂
Community is a strange thing. I used to hate the idea of it. I didn’t like being around people, and so community seemed like the worst idea ever. Plus, I didn’t like the implication – that I needed community because I couldn’t be a good Christian without it. It all seems so silly now – if I had asked myself, “would you like to grow to be a better Christian?” and then realised that community was part of the answer, maybe I wouldn’t have struggled so much with it. It’s funny how our egos work eh.
I find it so ironic that after my own journey of rejecting the idea of community, and then abruptly embracing it due to an ulterior motive, and then finally falling in love with it after finding a place I could truly belong, I still cannot express why community is important to people who have never belonged to one. If I was that person, trying to convince the me of 3 years ago to join a community for the sake of it, I would fail miserably. Why is it so difficult? I can’t quite put my finger on it.
What I do know, though, is how finding my community – by the way, not Crossing, but a worship community called Seeking Surrender – has changed my life. And I guess perhaps the problem is that experiences like this are unique. It’s all well and good for the person who’s experienced it, but it doesn’t then give me any confidence that something similar might happen for me. But regardless, I’m going to talk about it anyway haha, just cos it’s something that’s pretty close to my heart, and also just good timing – I’ve just come home from our community’s Christmas party 🙂
Somehow, when I stepped into this community, I found a group of people who were all slightly weird, slightly awkward, in a similar way to my own brand of weird awkwardness. People who all loved music. People who were all still figuring out their Christian identity, whose music identity in that sense was often stronger than their Christian identity. People who, despite all this, were open, vulnerable, who embraced me with open arms, who were funny, who just felt like home. It hasn’t been all roses, but I know that I’ve found myself in a really precious space, a space that tries to remain open to all those who are seeking but who may not even realise that they are. A space that tries to give space to those who don’t quite know how to respond to God’s call yet.
Of late, I’ve been struggling in this space. From the moment I stepped in, this community has always been home to me, always been second family. But recently, it hasn’t quite felt that way. Because I’ve become a bit overwhelmed by the work side of things – planning, worrying, thinking, arranging, reaching out, balancing – so much so that my beloved community is starting to burden me more and more. But I guess this is a good moment to step back for a bit and recall what I’m working so hard for. And of course, to remember that this is God’s garden at the end of the day. I might be called to sow, or to water, or to till, or to prune, or sometimes just to be – just to be another plant and allow others to grow me. Whatever it is, what’s important is not what I’m doing, but whether I’m called to do it.
This has been a nice little monologue haha. Thanks for coming along for the ride 🙂