I’m not sure how this happened. One minute I was excitedly plunging into a long break away, and the next, I’m back home and it’s 1.5 hours to February. The year is moving into its second month, but I haven’t even realised that 2016 has begun.
How has January been? I need to write a little, to make me think a little, because the past month has pretty much been an exercise in escaping. In pretending that I don’t have a life, a family, responsibilities etc. Existential crisis of sorts I guess – in a sense, I don’t really have financial responsibilities, my family can take care of itself, and what else is there to life really?
Well to a certain extent, if I really think of it, the answer is community. Which is pretty much non-existent right now, because I’ve spent the past 2 months trying to be as uncontactable as possible, and succeeding quite well. It means that I haven’t been present and available to any friends, I don’t know what’s been happening in the community, nothing. But honestly, I don’t really want to talk about community right now, because talking about community means talking about God, and I’m not ready for that just yet.
In fact, I don’t really feel like writing about anything, and yet I feel compelled to write. Why? Frustrating.
This song has just come on, and I think it’s perfect for what I’m feeling right now:
Ever since I’ve come back, I’ve felt very unsettled. For the first time ever, I suddenly feel the need to leave, to live somewhere else, to see if a different existence can be found somewhere. I love Singapore. I’ve always loved this place. I love almost everything about it, almost blindly. But suddenly, I realise that life could be really different elsewhere. I could be really different elsewhere. And I’m suddenly curious. Curious about who I could be. Who I could be free to be.
It’s terribly unsettling. Where do I want to go? I have no idea. I’m terrified of meeting new people. Going somewhere where I would know absolutely no one is simply paralyzing. I don’t trust myself around people, honestly. So preferably, I want to go somewhere where I already know some people at least, or where there’s already some sort of structure that compels me to know people – and no, work doesn’t count. You never can tell what your co-workers will be – I have worked jobs where my colleagues are now close friends, and also jobs where I never had anything to say to any of my colleagues, and never contacted any of them after I left.
What am I saying. That could be true of any setting – church, dorm, school, etc. DISASTER haha. I don’t know what I want. I guess deep down I’m still just a kid. Today’s second reading had that passage which I feel more and more allergic to – about how when we were children, we had childish ways and thinking, but when we are adults we must put our childish ways behind us. So not doing that. 😦
January was spent running away, pretending that I could escape real life forever. Tomorrow is February, and time to start getting back to reality, to routine, to responsibility. Reality is partly controlled by my decisions though, and I can choose what the next step is. What do I want it to be?
(At this point I feel compelled to point out to myself that no matter what conclusion I manage to come to, I’ll never feel comfortable or at peace with it until I consult God, and the more I put off doing that, the worse it’ll be. Sometimes it really sucks to know that God is God.)
snowfelon 